T’was the Night Before Patch Day: A SQL Invaders Holiday Story

A festive SQL Invaders tale for the hardworking DBAs everywhere:

T’was the night before Patch Day,
when all through the stack,
Not a query was stirring—
no CPU spike attack.
The dashboards were glowing
with baselines so fair,
In hopes that no SQL Invaders
would soon reappear.

The DBAs nestled
all snug in their beds,
While visions of clean indexes
danced in their heads.
With Quacky in a Santa hat,
and I in my chair,
We’d settled the servers
with diligent care.

When out in the cluster
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my console
to see what was the matter.
Straight into SQL Diagnostic Manager
I flew in a flash
To inspect any queries
that might try to crash.

The CPU Crusher
was stirring again,
Spinning rogue processes
like a mischievous friend.
But performance baselines
revealed the deceit—
A regression had surfaced,
slow, silent, discreet.

Then the Memory Hog
crept in with a grudge,
Growing buffers and objects
that simply wouldn’t budge.
But a quick look at metrics
and tuning insights
Showed exactly why pressure
had climbed through the night.

Next, the Access Elf Gone Rogue
slipped right through a crack—
Its permissions expanding
behind someone’s back.
But SQL Secure stopped it
with a firm, steady hand,
Restoring least privilege
just as compliance planned.

Then the Compliance Ghost
floated in with dismay,
Whispering warnings
of audits on the way.
But SQL Compliance Manager
caught every event,
And built out a report
with historical intent.

And just when I thought
the night might be done,
The Backup Grinch schemed
to ruin the fun.
But SQL Safe Backup,
consistent and strong,
Verified restores
so nothing went wrong.

At last, the storm quieted—
invaders withdrawn.
Their schemes were defeated
from midnight to dawn.
The servers stood steady,
their workloads aligned,
With monitoring shaping
a state so refined.

Then Quacky exclaimed,
as he flew out of sight:
“Happy Patch Day to all,
and to all a secure night!”

What DBAs Can Learn from the Story

Behind our silly poem lies practical truth:

SQL Server performance and security don’t take holidays.
That’s why year-end preparation matters.

To keep the SQL Invaders at bay:

• Tune your alerts and baselines

• Monitor high-impact queries

• Lock down permissions

• Validate compliance audit trails

• Confirm backup and restore readiness

• Inventory everything for the new year

Idera’s SQL Server tools deliver the visibility and guardrails needed to enjoy a worry-free holiday—whether it’s Patch Day, year-end freeze season, or the quiet week between Christmas and New Year’s.

Happy Holidays from Quacky and the Idera Team!

To learn more about Idera’s SQL Server tools, visit our site, and start a no-risk free trial today.